


Under the Influence: Scenario One

by PlotQueen



Category: Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter - Laurell K. Hamilton
Genre: Crack, Gen, Rated FS for Fucking Stoned, Recreational Drug Use, Spoof, Totally Inaccurate, abuse of animated movie music
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-01-01
Updated: 1999-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 19:50:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/531063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlotQueen/pseuds/PlotQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Let me be your wings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Under the Influence: Scenario One

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written by Anime Hooker, who is not on AO3.

Babysitting. Yet again. Only one of the many evils of children.

What a bitch.

Edward was sitting on the couch with Becca because Donna had to go to yet another psychic convention because her advisor said it was “written in the stars” that she go. It was the only way in hell he would be caught dead watching animated movies.

_Thumbelina_ of all things. Some weird animated version with lots of singing, dancing, and talking animals. Except for the dog.

“If I had a girl no bigger than my thumb, I’d squash her,” he muttered disgustedly as he rolled the paper in his hand.

Becca glanced up. “What’d you say, Ted?” she asked, most of her attention still on the movie. She barely turned her head to look at him.

“Nothing,” he said as she pulled her attention from the screen to stare at the mess he had made on the coffee table.

“What are you doing?”

“Smoking.”

“I thought you didn’t smoke.”

“This is a special cigarette,” he said with a smirk. “It’s, ah, imported. From Mexico. Yeah. Good tobacco. _Very_ good tobacco.”

He leaned back into the couch as Becca focused her attention once again to the movie. He knew it was it was only a matter of seconds before she would be glued to the screen and pulled a lighter out of his pocket as he shook his head. A flick of his thumb and it was lit, smoke rising as he pulled deeply.

As he took his first drag the screen was full of barnyard animals singing badly and irritating him. By the fourth, the animals were almost on key and slightly humorous. By the time he finished it, he felt like singing and dancing himself.

His pants melted into his flesh and became a pale gray, his shirt had grown quantities of royal blue fabric and poofed everywhere. However it didn’t seem to cover more than his hips and his buttocks were sheathed in sleek tights.

Music sifted through the slowly clearing fog to reveal St. Louis glimmering with light in the darkness from his vantage atop the famous Arch. Not ten paces in front of him was a giant walnut shell, Anita sleeping peacefully within.

He took a step forward, extending his arms in front of him and singing, “Let me be your wings, let me your only love.”

The first note woke her, the second had her scrambling in the blankets, the third staring dumbfounded as she watched Edward twirl and sing on. “Let me take you far beyond the stars!”

“Edward, what the fuck?” she asked in astonishment.

His response was to twirl closer singing, “Let me be your wings, let me lift you high above.”

She shrieked as he yanked her out of the walnut bed and lifted her above his head, grinning and singing all the while. “Everything we’re dreaming of will soon be ours!”

He sang, “Anything that you desire, anything at all,” as he lowered her to the ground and slid his arms around her. Anita struggled against the swathes of blue, her face barely able to see around the sleeves of his shirt as he twirled her around.

She shrieked as Edward tipped her back, his face inches from hers, his eyes gleaming maniacally as he sang on. “Every day I’ll take you higher and I’ll never let you fall.”

Edward pulled her back up, her face once again buried against his clothes. As she shoved at the material she glanced around, looking for something, _anything_ , to hit him with in hopes of getting away. Edward himself was one thing, but a singing dancing _twirling_ Edward was something completely different.

Less than a second later she was screaming and clinging to him as she realized they were somehow floating hundreds of feet above the ground.

“Let me be your wings, leave behind the world you know.” They twirled once again, Anita’s skirt whipping around his legs and scratching at her hands. Hands which she suddenly realized were clinging to his scantily clothed butt.

For a moment she was torn between jerking them back and wondering where the hell the dress had come from, then Edward spun her out and away from him, holding her from dropping like a rock by the most precarious of holds.

“ _EDWARDGETMETHEFUCKDOWNFROMHEREIHATEHEIGHTSI’MGOINGTOFUCKINGKILLYOU_!”

“For another world of wondrous things,” he sang on over her screams. “We’ll see the universe and dance on Saturn’s rings, fly with me and I will be your wings!” he finished as he flung his hands back, widespread, letting her go and not noticing as she began to plummet to the ground.

“ _EDWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD_!”

He turned in midair and dove after her as if she weren’t about to become a smear on the ground. “Anything that you desire, anything at all…”

Anita herself was shocked senseless when she suddenly quit screaming and the noise that came out of her mouth wasn’t what she’d expected. She was shocked to find herself now singing back up to Edward. “Anything at all,” she sang, barely finishing her notes before he cut in.

“Everyday I’ll take you higher, and I’ll never let you fall!”

“You already did, you son of a - You will be my wings.” Anita glanced around desperately but she couldn’t see beyond his bulky sleeves. She could hear him as he sang in reply, “Let me be yours wings,” on a descant but before she could curse at him she was singing again. “You will be my only love,” and never mind what that did to her sensibilities.

“Get ready for another world of wondrous things.” Edward grinned at her as he pulled her close, her fingers clutching convulsively at his shirt as he flew up with her again.

“Wondrous things are sure to happen,” flew out of her mouth on key and then she was able to shriek at him again. “I DON’T WANT WONDEROUS-”

Suddenly they were singing together, their voices melding despite the fact that Anita couldn’t sing a note to save her life. “We’ll see the universe and dance on Saturn’s rings!”

They began to spin again, toppling down in the air. “Heaven isn't too far,” Edward was practically yelling now, or at least that’s what she thought he had to have been doing for her to hear over the rushing wind, and suddenly she was singing back to him again, “Heaven is where you are.”

Then the finale came, though she didn’t know how she knew it. He was swinging her out again as they skimmed over a stream, toes getting soaked by the frigid water. He was singing, “Stay with me and let me be your wings,” as she sang, “Stay with me I’ll let you be my wings,” and then, like a poof of smoke, it was all gone.

Edward stared dismally at the screen as the credits rolled across it. Becca was asleep on a lump of pillows in front of it and some annoying song was chirping out of it. He dropped the end of his ‘special cigarette’ into an ashtray he’d sat on the coffee table and grabbed the remote.

It wasn’t until he’d already turned the television off that he saw the phone sitting next to him. He figured he must have been about to call and check his message service, so he dialed the number from memory. He considered himself lucky to have been sitting as he listened to the only message. It was from Anita.

“Edward, is everything okay? Cause there’s this really weird message on my machine and I’d _swear_ it’s you. Singing.”

A pause.

“Call me.”

Another pause.

“I think…”


End file.
